I swear, I dictate so many long entries to myself through the day mentally and just never get around to writing. So let's get back to chronicling ...
First off, I cut my hair off yesterday. I've got this short scruffy Weezer/Jimmy Fallon thing happening at the moment which is a bit ehh. Once it grows out a bit it should be decent -- right now I've just gotta be a bit patient. The old hair was just totally unmanageable given how lazy I am about hair care, plus I was getting tired of being in my face and mouth when I was working or swimming or taking a shower -- just bleh. Some people thought it was cute, for the most part, if that complement doesn't have a payoff I'm ignoring it. I'm conscious enough about image these days to be wary of any compliments.
So yeah, I have no facial hair and short cropped hair. Darrell saw me and was like "ha, you look half your age, I should card you for something." He's right though, it's scary how young I look right now I could easily pass for a high schooler. It's a combination of the dimples and clean faced look.
So yeah, I have this week off, I need to do my taxes and even though I'm getting a fat refund, I'm lazy and haven't filed yet. Why? Cuz I'm lazy.
Raven was on Meltzer last night and talked about me and the site for a good couple of minutes - which was pretty cool and nice of him. He and I are pretty decent friends now and its always cool when he compliments me on my work ethic and such. We talked this morning and he was all giddy like "Hey, did ya listen to Meltzer last night ... I put you over!" It's funny that I think either he's rubbing off on me or we think very much the same in terms of wrestling since we had a chat going and a lot of things I said in there were things he later said on meltzer using the exact same language I used. Even the kids in the chat noticed which was very interesting to say the least.
I need to catch up on movies this week. Got the week off, I should hang out with the Megan some, I haven't called her in like 3 weeks which unfortunately is VERY like me. I am terrible at keeping in touch with people. Again, combination of lazy and slacker.
There's someone else I haven't talked to in almost 3 months now I feel guilty about. But I don't know if this is the right forum to discuss it. Needless to say, I feel very out of the loop there and it's almost selfish regarding the circumstances. I think maybe my time has passed there. I'm just assuming things basically, which me and assumptions = bad combination. But honestly, I think maybe my instincts here are right. I sort of extended an olive branch, we'll see what happens but again I really wonder now if maybe it's best that I step away.
And most people know I have my own self depricating theories on relationship dynamics. I'm a good friend to have, because I'm very accomodating towards those I have a friendship towards, but I tend to shy away to a huge degree from receiving the same kind of attention towards me for whatever reason.
So yeah, I don't know. I have to see where things stand on my whole feelings towards relationships at this point. It's like this: I think right now, I'm very interested in the whole concept. I really crave the companionship of someone like minded and with interests close or shared to mine. Now there's the whole question of how feasible is that even really. And you know its hard for me because my trust is hard to obtain. And honestly, I do want to be happy in that kind of situation. I don't think it's fair that I've gotten dicked around in the past because I've been too giving and then when I've turned that around, I'VE been the one stuck with someone who is too needy. There has to be a happy medium. And at some point, I think there will be.
And, at times, it seemed like maybe there was/is that possibility. I mean, I'll go into some specifics here and whether that's fair or not, I'll discover when or if I decide to edit this entry. But here goes me on my honesty kick. I really really came to care for Melissa. I love the girl. In any conceivable reality not dictated by an over 2,000 mile radius and half a country in the way, we would've hooked up by now in some way shape or manner I'm sure. And maybe we will. That being said, keeping any kind of relationship at that distance is either very difficult or next to impossible when either or both of us have communication issues. You know, it's just hard and when we go any length of time without talking, it feels like this huge gulf like - boom - seperating us and its awkward and it takes a while to get back in the rhythms of things. To our credit, that does go away very quickly. We don't ever fight & when we have its over silly misunderstands based on how restrictive the means for us to speak have been.
So at this point we haven't talked in a few months. I call and she's not there and I never see her online. All I can do is leave a message for her here or there and you know hope it gets to her. Whether they have or not, I don't know. As it turns out, this time while we didn't talk something huge happened in her life that I had absolutely no clue about whatsoever. I don't think it's fair of me to feel slighted by that, people have their personal feelings for not telling people about things like that. In this case, I really don't blame -- it's not a blame issue, I'll rephrase that. What it is, is it demonstrated how really intangible and out of my grasp the whole relationship situation is from me. Like distance never really seemed like distance til then. A divide or a gulf and I can see the perspective shrink away to the size of ants. I can't be a comfort or even share my empathy with her. It's a very impotent position. Could it be a hang-up I have? Maybe. I'm not a needy person really, but grasping onto an ether that is intangible and grounded on the intangible is not a habit that really is healthy. Many times I've basically tried to extend myself as much as I can, but it's like I'm forever reaching. I do know I want her to be happy. That hasn't changed. Not in the least. Maybe, I'm beating myself up over nothing and my perception is skewed by an assumption I jumped to prematurely. But you know, my gut tells me that I should be open with my feelings and be ready to let go if I'm not the one who can be there for her now. So I've stepped back - I don't know I can really contribute to her life or situation in a meaningful way right now -- if I'm wrong, then I made a mistake - but its me thinking that I should give her space. If she needs me or wants me to be there for her, then I will be there as much as I can be when that time arises. If not, then I can understand that and I don't have any ill will or malice in my heart about it at all. I just-- I don't want to feel like I'm being selfish or holding someone back. If anything, I think I have too much empathy -- the problem with that is whenever I'm going through something, I instinctively have to deal with it on my own and I just shut myself off from other people. I tend to give others that same space I want afforded to me because I'm very private when I'm not venting.
Honestly, this is just me venting. Writing helps that process.
Now, I just had to share that because it was becoming enough of a weight on my conscience that it had to be somewhere else besides tossing about in my head.
Anyway ...
Me and Jeanette were on the phone for like 4 hours on Saturday watching Mad TV, SNL and the news. Kind of fun, I missed sharing my acerbic wit and commentary with someone who appreciates it. She's a cool friend to have.
So yeah I'm at 93 lbs. lost now on my whole weight loss thing. Yeah, I figure a week from now and I'll be at 100. Getting closer to my goals all the time. My quads are really popping now.
I should have some cool stuff to post artwise later this week. We'll see what happens.
Anyway, I think that whole catharsis just drained me of anymore literary content for the evening. More will come soon I think. In the menatime, I think I'll just read a bit more how complete detachment from the self and extinguishing conscious desire can allow me to reach Nirvana.
Ah, that'd be swell.
Posted by Vic at April 13, 2004 08:52 AM