I wrote a fairly personal entry on my LiveJournal tonight. I have some ... I don't know ... misgivings maybe ... about doing that, but whatever, my life, or the lack thereof, is an open book. Friends only entries -- what's the point? So there's one group of anonymous strangers you trust more than others?
In all honesty, my whole disenchantment with the internet grows by the day, slowly and gradually wearning me down.
It's like this. When I first started the Raven website, I did it to find people like me who dug his character because of the background behind it: good music, comic books, wrestling -- three things I dug. As time went on, the music aspect was lost, comics interested me less and now wrestling is fairly anathema to me. Most if not many people I helped bring together on the boards became friends in real life, some even traveling to other continents to meet each other which I think is fucking awesome.
I think it just kind of blows since that's the kind of thing I was looking for - to make a connection with some people outside my sphere just based on common interests.
Reminds me of grade school and when we did penpals with kids from Pacific Palisades -- sure you make friends with someone over a letter, but when it comes to real life, some people would rather ask questions of the letter than move beyond it.
As it stands now, I'm sure -- I'm sure -- that if it weren't for the responsibilities Raven pays me for in running the site for him and how ina sense I'm a personality of sorts even though I tried not to be in keeping the site as agenda free as possible -- that I would be so far gone from that whole internet scene.
As far as the internet, I really only care about working on the site coding and graphics and merch, doing my auctions and doing my art and sharing that making some money. Anything else I feel seems to be gone I think -- it's just very lonely. I can be open on here even though I know people read this because on some level I can't accept people would care to read my ramblings so I'm open about them.
I can think of a lot of things now I would've done differently in regards to the whole site thing now -- I think I wouldn't have gotten a former associate involved knowing how that situation would turn out and especially since that person ripped me off for money owed to me as well. I'm not petty, karma gets back everyone who fucks someone over in the long haul. More to the point, I'm over that - life is too short to worry about individuals and whose sycophant of the week they are.
I'm also in a very strange place when it comes to my feelings regarding someone else. I feel like this person is deliberately avoiding me, although I think I've made efforts to extend an olive branch -- I just need to know how things stand. But this is where the whole issue of confrontation and rejection all come to the surface. I crave some closure to the situation or to know what happened or where things stand, but I don't want to know if its how I think -- even tough I do -- because it'll be a big I told you so to myself in terms of opening up to someone and how I extend my trust to others too readily. It's like a big flashing red light that says STOP STOP STOP -- you're being too open!!
But I'm prepared for that. It's just how I am now. It's not that I'm cynical or sad - I just feel. That's all I do know is feel and it sucks and it's because I let myself do so, when perhaps being guarded wouldve been better in the long run seeing how things are happening now.
Is that foolish? I never said I wasn't a fool.
Like I said in my other entry, I really crave the company of others, I want to make a connection to someone else thast deeper than just a casual thing but I have to trust and be open to do that and its so hard for someone like me when it seems like everytime I do it I get hurt or allow myself to get too close to soeone when they havent extended anything of the liek to me really.
And I'm sick of that - I am. It's not fair that I'm so fucking needy or what to share beyond my sphere - I wish I was colder though I know that I couldnt be. Closure is just something I want or to know whats happening but whatever.
Don't mind me, its just more meandering rambling escaping from my brain. Tomorrow is another day as it were.
Posted by Vic at April 29, 2004 08:00 AM